I don’t understand how can everything that ever happened to me fit into one number- 17. All the tears, worries, happiness, joy, memories, scars and sins. Everything is summed up in an odd two digit number.
A year ago I thought I knew enough to survive all by myself, on another continent, with another language and people. I thought that I knew enough about the world I am living in. Yet I am standing here again. A year passed and I realized I barely knew myself.
I thought I would run from every single problem I’ve had, everything that worried me, I thought I would escape from all the incomprehensible things chasing me but now I know I can’t do that. Because it can’t be left behind. It waited here for me to confuse me again.
Despite all that, I am so thankful I can be here. I’m grateful that every night I can fall asleep next to my lil sister who I love knowing that when I will wake up my dad will be there for me like a stone that i can lean on. (Although both drives me nuts sometimes tbh…) Waking up knowing that some of my family and friends are here for me, thinking about me every day. It is beautiful. It is really something to apperciate.
And no matter what presents I got, my birthday still was incomplete. Though It was my 17th birthday on the 7th of July (7) 2017 so at least that is kinda magical, isn’t it?
So, yeah… I am glad to live here with you all. Furthermore, we all have problems. Some are just bigger than the others. But hopefully, the majority of them are conquerable.
But then in all the good, there are the moments and looks making me sick. The doubt I am in every day when i ask myself if the one supposed to be closest to me loves me. It destroyed a part of my heart that loved this person with every single bit of it. And now it is still living, yet unsure if it is worth it.
Every night asking myself if I am worth your love. Do you even care? Am I even needed in your life? Because it seems like I am not. Sometimes it feels like it’s just better without me. Why did you give me the world and then just left me on it? They told me that with every tear comes redemption but yet, I don’t feel any and I’ve cried oceans for you.
Thanks to the ones loving me. Thank you for letting me to be happy or cry in front of you anytime.
I love you unconditionally.
Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best. Thank you for all your wishings.
read next: IT IS HARD…